Thursday, May 17, 2012

For Immediate Release

Mayor Tony Mack Saves Public Safety

TRENTON—Mayor Tony Mack hosted a press conference today regarding the recent shooting attempt on two Trenton Police Officers on patrol in a city vehicle. Mayor Mack announced key updates to his comprehensive plan to fight crime in order to keep the public up-to-date with new information. Mayor Mack made the following statement:

Public safety is essential to the City of Trenton we can not permit crime or symptoms of crime, poverty and oppression to continue to burden the peace of mind of our residents, business owners, and stakeholders. 

Crime is deplorable, and I am serving crime an eviction notice-you are not welcome in
Trenton anymore, and I am asking all residents to join with me in sending crime and
criminals a farewell exit. 

In order to restore the vitality of the city through recreational and cultural programs and
services we are announcing a new initiative from the Mayor’s Office. The Mayor’s
Learning Centers.  

We are making strides that are tough and challenging but necessary to keep the public’s
best interest our focus. It is crucial to keep our libraries open.  

That shows that our children need any and all resources our City can offer as it relates to
education. I know that our police officers would much rather walk a child home after a
library visit, then walk them into a precinct.  

Therefore, my administration plans to retrofit the Mayor’s Learning Centers with plate steel sheathing, polycarbonate window coverings and install gun turrets that will be manned by volunteers.   

This work will be accomplished with the use of CDBG funds and the application of the surplus from the Trenton Water Works. This revenue stream will enhance our city by providing jobs and engaging the community to participate in the protection of our most precious resource, our children.  

Under the direction of my volunteer coordinator of volunteers this comprehensive action will be undertaken under the guidance and directorship of my special Committee Of Non-paid Supporters, or CONS.

Because of the emergent emergency of this matter Mayor Mack will, by executive order and with the blessing of less than half of the city council, waive the normal bidding and contracting procedures required under state statute.

All work will be performed by individuals who have sufficiently demonstrated their belief in the Mayor's initiatives, have contributed to his campaign fund and/or have a prior criminal record thereby qualifying them for re-entry program funding.  

NOTE: This is not a real media advisory from Trenton's City Hall. If it had been, you would have been directed where to turn and when to scream in outrage. On second thought....


Lamberton Lilly said...

This may someday fall in with The War of the Worlds. Very clever; for a few seconds, I believed!

Unknown said...

Now you're talking!

Robert Elliott Chilson said...

Damn, you had my blood boiling for a second there, so glad this not real.

Anonymous said...

How irresponsible of you!

Anonymous said...

What really got me was the perfect replication of Mack's "command" of the language...including those classic non sequiturs.

Old Mill Hill said...

To be fair...the bulk of the verbiage was re-purposed from a prior, real Mayor Mack press release.

Anonymous said...

Simply Awesome, sir.