Mayor Tony Mack
Saves Public Safety
Public safety is essential to the City of Trenton we can not permit crime or symptoms
of crime, poverty and oppression to continue to burden the
peace of mind of our residents, business owners, and stakeholders.
Crime is deplorable, and I am serving crime an eviction
notice-you are not welcome in
criminals a farewell exit.
In order to restore the vitality of the city through
recreational and cultural programs and
services we are announcing a new initiative from the
Mayor’s Office. The Mayor’s
Learning Centers.
We are making strides that are tough and challenging but
necessary to keep the public’s
best interest our focus. It is crucial to keep our
libraries open.
That shows that our children need any and all resources
our City can offer as it relates to
education. I know that our police officers would much
rather walk a child home after a
library visit, then walk them into a precinct.
Therefore, my administration plans to retrofit the Mayor’s
Learning Centers with plate steel sheathing, polycarbonate window coverings and
install gun turrets that will be manned by volunteers.
This work will be accomplished with the use of CDBG funds
and the application of the surplus from the Trenton Water Works. This revenue
stream will enhance our city by providing jobs and engaging the community to
participate in the protection of our most precious resource, our children.
Under the direction of my volunteer coordinator of
volunteers this comprehensive action will be undertaken under the guidance and
directorship of my special Committee Of Non-paid Supporters, or CONS.
Because of the emergent emergency of this matter Mayor Mack will, by executive order and with the blessing of less than half of the city council, waive the normal bidding and contracting procedures required under state statute.
All work will be performed by individuals who have sufficiently demonstrated their belief in the Mayor's initiatives, have contributed to his campaign fund and/or have a prior criminal record thereby qualifying them for re-entry program funding.
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NOTE: This is not a real media advisory from Trenton's City Hall. If it had been, you would have been directed where to turn and when to scream in outrage. On second thought....
7 comments:
This may someday fall in with The War of the Worlds. Very clever; for a few seconds, I believed!
Now you're talking!
Damn, you had my blood boiling for a second there, so glad this not real.
How irresponsible of you!
What really got me was the perfect replication of Mack's "command" of the language...including those classic non sequiturs.
To be fair...the bulk of the verbiage was re-purposed from a prior, real Mayor Mack press release.
Simply Awesome, sir.
Ms. BFA
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